Monday, 4 May 2015

When the ball starts rolling...

Just over a month has passed since a depressed and nervous woman suddenly found the courage to hit the purchase button on some flight tickets. Today I find it hard to imagine that woman was me!

I think I have mentioned before that it wasn't bravery as such that made me do it. I have said all along that I was only visiting here, but I got trapped. Trapped by family ties, obligations, the wants of others. (I do love being closer to family, but they live in the wrong country!). Trapped by the thought that moving and starting again will be hard. By the knowledge that my son will miss people and things here. All of those things made it hard, but I am really not happy here. Finally the balance tipped, and the thought that I might end up staying here was actually far more scary than hitting that button to buy those tickets.

I told myself that we could just go for a visit, catch up with friends, settle the itch, but do you know I think I just did that to make it all less scary. Now that I have made the first big step all I can think about is buying a house and making it our home (though I still haven't fully decided where it will be!).

It is interesting to compare though. When I made the decision to come back to the UK for a while, the whole idea filled me with dread. I had this overriding feeling that I was making the hugest mistake. I wrote notes to myself (which I have recently found) warning myself not to get caught up here. Not to allow myself to stay here for too long and get so depressed that I became helpless and not able to get out of the big dark hole again. It was hard enough the first time I did it, mentally and financially. I had escaped once, it seemed completely crazy to be coming back.

Now that I have made the decision to go back to Australia I feel entirely different. Although it is a bit scary and I am sad to leave family and friends behind, on the whole I feel really excited and I can't wait to go. It's like I am back on track, that I am heading back to my life rather than living one that others want me to have. I almost feel like this person that has been living my life in the UK is not me at all. Now I feel liberated, in control of my own destiny, hopeful, optimistic, youthful, fitter, healthy, happy.

And that little tiny drop of of following my own dreams has been gathering momentum fast. Within days of booking the ticket I began to remember many things about the life I dreamed of.

And in that life I have another baby...

I think its safe to say that dream is just not going to go away.

At first I thought I would wait until we got to Australia and then going to clinic would be the first thing I did. No one else would be there to have an opinion, I could just do it. However, having contacted a few clinics over there it seems that the waiting list is long - I would be at least 46 before I became a mother again. I don't really want to wait that long.

So should I do it before I leave?

Moving countries when pregnant would be bonkers...

But not trying would be more bonkers!

So I have gone back to one of the clinics I was in touch with before. It is a clinic based in Spain, which has its pros and cons. The pros being that the waiting list for donor embryos is just two months, and for donor eggs and donor sperm there is no wait list at all. It's also cheaper than the UK or Australia. The cons are that the donors are fully anonymous so there would be no chance for a resulting child to trace their genetic roots when they reach 18 - something which I thought might be important when I researched it before. I have spent some time mulling that one over with  a few people and have decided again that I will regret it if I don't try. Although some people want to find out their genetic roots, not everyone does. And if I raise a healthy and happy child, dealing with that should be a hurdle we can navigate together.

The other thing I have worried about over the last 3 years is that having one child with a Dad and one without would be hard. DD is a good dad, and not wanting the second child to miss out on that was one reason that I clung on to the idea of having a second child with him instead of going it alone each time that issue came up. With us living in Australia though, that wont have such a big impact as if we stayed here.

So, I am currently having all the tests I need to get started with IVF in Spain. I have a couple more blood tests to get next week, then a Skype meeting to discus what needs to happen. Although the donor embryo option is available to me, I think I am going to go with fresh donor eggs and sperm. The latter is three times more expensive, but also three times more likely to be successful. I may as well give it my best shot. I'll keep you posted on the developments but I am hoping that my first attempt will be in June, giving me July and August to have further tries if necessary. Maybe if it doesn't work I will finally feel like I have done all that I can and be able to put this dream to rest.

But I really hope it works and that I do get to do the crazy thing of moving to the opposite side of the planet, as a single mum with a 4 year old and pregnant!